Reflections of a Lost Soul, continued part 2

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You could have told my parents that I was sprouting a second head and it wouldn't have done any good. They were on top me so fast I didn't have a chance to consider what my next steps would be in light of this fiasco. My initial relief was short lived and quickly replaced by anxiety all because my parents were filled over the brim with fear. They did the only thing they could think of: meet with whoever they could to get me back into the program.

They did their best but it didn't help. I took a general studies Bachelors degree for my trouble and walked away, not once looking back.

In the end I was blamed for all of it. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't smart enough. I was somehow brainwashed by someone to think I didn't have the chops for it. I was too lonely to focus. I was diverting my attention to other pursuits instead of my education. It all pointed at me. And it didn't stop for years. I had to live with their disappointment every day thereafter. They wouldn't let me forget it and it eventually took its toll on me. Even now I think if I had just bit the bullet and tried to the very end, swallowing my disinterest and finding the motivation somehow, I could have made it through. Even now I think how much simpler my life could be now if I had that doctorate degree and made the salary I would have made; relocated wherever I wanted; paid off my student loans with less anxiety than I do now; and most importantly, I wouldn't have had to face my parents' continuing disgust with me. It would have been simple, right? The only exchange for such simplicity would have been my soul…nobody needs that these days, do they?

Am I happy now? Well, I could be happier. But see, I have the rare opportunity of having a twin sister who also pursued pharmacy. We struggled the exact same way at the exact same time, except her story ended differently. She made it to 6th year, went through rotations, and graduated as a PharmD. After 3 months of applying to jobs and going on interviews, she landed a pharmacy position at Walmart. In fact, the man who hired her had so much faith in her he made her pharmacy manager at their newest store in the area. She was green, yet she was a pharmacy manager already. Someone took a chance on her. She rose to the challenge and is doing very well. It's only been about a year…and although she has proven to be quite an asset in such a short time; although she was practically being groomed for regional manager; she is miserable, stressed, and already burned out. She wanted to be a vet growing up. She still does, but at this point in time, her hands are so tied she can't even free one up to Google search veterinary programs on her own. So the million dollar question is: Am I happy for her?

No.

Now I'm figuring it out one day at a time. I have gone down several avenues, found dead ends, then turned back around to start all over again. And I have done this so many times in these years since pharmacy school I've often found myself wondering if I was ever going to catch a break. What I've rediscovered along the way so far is my passion for art and writing. I'm also completing my prerequisite coursework for nursing school so I can eventually become a Nurse Practitioner. In addition, I'm working on a jewelry line and freelancing my creative skills on Fiverr to broaden my experiences and make a little cash in the process. I'm still working at the hospital only now I'm a pool pharmacy technician instead of an intern. One of the best there, I don't mind bragging! I even have a notion to get certified in chemotherapy to boost my skillset, break the monotony of my current job description, and even to help my nursing school application be a bit more competitive than it already is. So I have my hands full. I'm not certain if the path I'm on is the path I've been looking for, but I definitely feel like I'm getting closer…

THANKS FOR READING!

Reflections of a Lost Soul

Reflections of a Lost Soul, continued part 1

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2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Reflections of a Lost Soul | AkaiMiko's Mindzone

  2. Pingback: Reflections of a Lost Soul, continued part 1 | AkaiMiko's Mindzone

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